Connecting grief with creativity

Six year today, dad left me a gift that continues to be a source of inspiration

Hi! Welcome to Happy Surprise, a weekly post to ignite your creativity and share about creative practice. Today’s post is a bit very personal, sharing about grief and creativity. If this space inspires you, please consider sharing and leaving a comment. Thanks for reading! Susan x.

Finding solace a few years ago in my dad's studio, I painted using his now treasured art supplies.

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Forget the mascara.

Takes courage to enjoy life.

Today is six years since my beautiful dad passed away. While I was back home in Sydney, Australia, I wrote down my emotions on December 8, 2017.

My sweet dad, my guide to the world, has left us today. Will it ever get easy to overcome a broken heart that’s broken into little pieces? Who’s going to challenge me to think differently or do more than I think I can? I can’t believe it. I’m devastated by my new reality.

Breath.

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Documenting the journey from one home to the other, 2017

I tried drawing, but it turned into a frustrating scribble. I hadn't painted or used a brush for over 10 years. Even though I really wanted it to work, my head wasn't in the right place, and I couldn't enjoy it.

I was taking photos though, that was my creative expression at the time, as if I was documenting my process and finding a creative outlet.

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I returned from the winter in the Netherlands (to Australia where I grew up) to spend the summer with my beautiful mama, marking the second anniversary of my dad's passing in 2018.

A year ago life was good. Words such as fun, exciting, joy, whohoo, was part of my everyday life. I smiled, I really smiled and laughed and goofed around without feeling guilty. A little laugh suddenly appears and a glimpse of happiness but that’s a new territory I am discovering. Grief is a different experience for everyone. It’s not possible to say someone's grief is tougher than the other. Some people react differently. I know for me it’s a much bigger emotional punch than ever experienced. PTS and Grief gifted keys I had received that I never asked for. Going on water slides is no longer an adrenaline rush of fun that I used to love - the thrill of the challenge. Instead, it’s an abrupt sensation that is unwelcoming. 

I’m not big on spreading such thoughts but it’s good to open up about grief, the dark side of life when you're looking for that light in your life again. 

My life has changed in many ways.

I’m not the same.

I am not stronger.

I am becoming more myself because that's the person I can rely on. 

Dad was my guide to travelling, exploring, being curious, and being artistic, he was a guide to life. He taught me about everything and was a dad when I needed him to be but he was about the closest person in my life. He was a true artist, a Renaissance man, an encyclopedia, and my first teacher. He understood me more than I understood myself. The one thing he never discussed with me was what life would be like without him. I don’t know that life. But it is what it is. And I do know what he would say to me ... 

So, my point is. I am grateful for the unconditional love I received and for being my biggest fan. Knowing that we shared unconditional love is the biggest gift in my life from Dad. 

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Looking back at my old journals today, I can see how I was disconnected from both myself and life back then. Crying became a routine that felt both normal and pointless. It was a time of the unknown, like swimming in the current in the open sea, being pulled down to the deep of those hidden, silent struggles.

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About a year later in 2020, I was combining journaling with art, and when affirmations and quotes had a much deeper meaning than before. Reigniting my inner creativity was my way of connecting with my dad and learning to make sense of grief.

'It is impossible for you to go on as you were before, so you must go on as you never have.' — Cheryl Strayed

A lot of years went by before I could write about my Dad without breaking apart, and the process of relearning to draw and rediscovering the joy of picking up a paintbrush unfolded during those years.

Creating your own personal art affirmations can be both therapeutic and so empowering.

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By now I was starting my days with morning journaling, meditation, and in between miners I was doing some art journaling and painting affirmations. It was very therapeutic and much needed for my heart and soul.

Embarking on this blend of creative exploration opened up new pathways of self-expression and personal growth. It helped me understand that creativity is not just for talented artists exhibiting their work or about learning to draw a perfect line. Please, it deserves more than to be labelled a hobby. Creativity, making art, doodling, drawing your feelings, however you want to call it, or want to express yourself should hold more value in our lives.

Today, painting remains a profound connection to my dad, but it has evolved into a deeply personal pursuit. I draw, doodle, and paint as my way of expressing emotions and it has become a constant self-discovery that turns into a powerful quiet expression of colours and exploring the curiosity of nature and this beautiful life.

It turns out, Dad was right all along when he tried to remind me of my love for making art. But my stubbornness prevented me from listening to him. Though I like to think he knew I would finally find my back to it.

Grief opened a new wound, but Dad, looking out for me, left a gift that I hope to share to inspire creativity in others, just as it did for me.

My dad's original oil palette, has become such a treasure.

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P.s If you've read this far, thank you. And as always, I'd love to hear your thoughts.